Mom thoughts

I can not stop thinking about a conversation, a completely unsolicited conversation, that Payton and I had with a woman on Saturday morning.  We were sitting on a couch at a local coffee shop with our coffees and Eli sat in the middle with his little ice water.  He was flicking water everywhere as he pulled the straw in and out of the plastic lid.  Payton and I were talking about thoughtless things when a woman sat down in a chair across from us. 

[I will say, before going any further, that we DO live in Austin, and there ARE lots of, um, hippies and I think this woman fell into that category - Payton immediately noticed that she didn't shave her armpits, so I'm pretty positive you would call her "free-spirited", and um, a hippy.  Oh, and she wasn't wearing a bra.  I feel I can say this because I'm pretty sure that none of my friends are hippies and they all shave their armpits.]

She commented on how cute Eli is (thanks) and how well behaved he was (thanks again).  Then she said that she goes back and forth all the time about having another child - she has a 3 year old who was in yoga class next door.

She continued with "But this one child has completed changed my life and really put a kink in my plans.  This child keeps me from being able to do what I want to do.  Have you guys gone through the same thing?"  And I'm thinking, maybe this child is the reason you don't have time to shave your armpits?  Or put a bra on?

And this really got me thinking, not about going bra-less or throwing away my razors, but it got me thinking about how our lives HAVE absolutely changed since we had Eli a year ago.

Our nights out now cost at least $50 more for a babysitter,
require more planning than ever,
and I still feel like I'm on "mom duty" because I won't let my phone out of my sight in case something happens and the babysitter needs us.

We spend our mornings rushing to get Eli dressed,
getting his lunch ready,
getting breakfast in his belly,
and then I'll think about doing something with myself,
feeding Payton and I, and the dogs,
and more times than not, I get halfway to work and realize I forgot something,
and more than once, it has been my work laptop.

We spend our evenings feeding Eli,
playing with Eli,
getting him bathed and in bed,
and once he's down for bed, when you would think the day would just magically wrap itself up with a book in bed or watching a movie,
we spend our time picking up after Eli,
planning his lunch for the next day,
feeding ourselves (sometimes after 9pm),
I'll sweep up all of the dog hair, so Eli doesn't go to Missy's looking like a black lab,
Payton will mop up the water from the dog's water bowl that Eli splashed everywhere,
And we'll eventually get in bed.

And we spend our days working, to make money,
to raise our child and provide for him like we've always dreamed. 
I spend my lunches running errands, like going to the grocery store,
and storing the food in the office fridge,
buying diapers, wipes, teething rings, and diaper rash cream.
Getting all of my weekend errands done in an hour during lunch,
so I'll have time at night and on the weekends to spend with him.

"Quitting" after a bad day/week/month/year at work isn't an option anymore. 
"Figuring things out" as we go really isn't an option either, though we believe that things will always work out in the end. 
Having a child is a responsibility that we've never had before,
and quite a special one, at that.

We have a child now, so yeah, things have changed. 

But Dear God, I wouldn't change any of it back to how it was before.  During those long mornings, days, and nights, just one look at our angel's face, and any worries or fears that we have about anything are absolutely erased.  We go in his room often while he's sleeping at night to just stare at him. 

Eli is absolutely what keeps us going with a smile on our faces.

All in one look, one little giggle, one big glob of bananas from breakfast that Payton says he often finds on his shirt once he gets to the office, all of those moments erase any sort of selfishness that we could ever feel about our lives as parents compared to our lives two years ago.

A blog I read refers to this as "balance" and that is exactly what it is.  While we have been able to raise our child exactly how we've wanted, we've also given up a few things.

Sure, Eli impacted my decision to not serve on the board of a local professional women's organization that I've been involved with for more than 6 years.

Sure, because of Eli we say "no" to social invites a lot more because we'd rather be at home, cuddled up with him, than out.  And sure, we've probably lost friends along the way because of this, but the ones that remain and understand this are the true friends, the ones you really want around, anyway.

That lovely balance we're all searching for.  Have we found it?  probably not.  Will we ever find it?  maybe, maybe not.  Will we continue to look for it?  yeah, just so we can have something to do, I guess.

So what I've decided is that in those moments when I'm on the fence about something, I'll ask myself:

In the grand scheme of things does it really matter?
and
In 5 years, when I look back on how I raised my child, will this make me smile?


And so to answer the hippies questions:
 
Have our lives changed since last year?  Yes.
Did he put a kink in our plans? No, he IS our plan.
Does he keep us from doing what we want to do?  Absolutely not, he has introduced us to a whole new world of things that we never knew we would ever want to do, including watching ridiculous children's shows, crawling on the floor acting like an idiot, dancing in mirrors at public places, waking up at 6:30 in the morning, every morning, just to see his smile, and building forts in the living room when it is 110 degrees outside: